• 09Jul

    The following is a list of what we feel are ten compelling reasons that the NPD-702 Portable DVD Player with 7″ LCD Screen is superior to finding an orphaned infant abandoned on your doorstep.

    • By current estimates, it costs nearly $200,000 to raise a child from birth to legal adulthood. Conversely, it costs less than $80 to bring a DVD playing bundle of joy into your life.
    • Not only will inserting DVDs into an orphan child not result in several hours of movie enjoyment, it will result in you being hounded by Social Services.
    • Babies don’t have USB inputs yet, and their speakers are automatically set to “scream loudly with no volume adjust.”
    • The NPD-702 comes with a Full Function Remote Control. A baby comes with a fully functioning bowel system without even the remotest amount of control.
    • The NPD-702 enjoys a 180 degree swivel screen design. If you repeatedly swivel a baby 180 degrees, well… The less said about that, the better. Babies are not for shaking.
    • The DVD player has a slot for SD/MMC media storage, so you can enjoy a wide variety of videos and images, whereas all a baby can do is draw some lame picture that doesn’t even look like anything, if you’re lucky.
    • You won’t have to grapple with the complex moral issues involved with lying to a baby about Santa Clause, The Tooth Fairy, or the Easter Bunny when you use the NPD-702. The NPD-702 only cares about showing you movies.
    • The NPD-702 has a wide 7″ screen that can be set to Normal or Widescreen viewing modes. The closest thing an orphaned baby has to that is a face which, to be frankly honest, is kind of fat and weird looking.
    • You can fold up the highly portable DVD player/LCD screen combo and toss it in a backpack, while there are entire industries built around different ways to lug around an infant. And before you ask, no, you can’t try folding up the baby, that’s a terrible idea and we can’t believe you were thinking it even though it’s not your kid.
    • Everyone knows that babies left on doorstops always end up having some ridiculous destiny of ultimate good or evil, and that is just way more drama than anyone wants to sign up for. The NPD-702 is way more laid back, and is all about watching Top Gun in a hammock with some lemonade.

    Now we don’t want to go around telling you what to do and what not to do, but those points all seem pretty irrefutable. So if you hear that baby crying on your doorstep someday, you’re totally welcome to open the door and start down that path. Or you could just turn up your DVD player until it becomes “not your problem.” Your call.

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  • 08Jul

    Television is a pretty remarkable technology. We don’t often think about what it really takes to make it happen. There are countless numbers of people who make their living by being part of the expansive chain of processes required to bring TV to you. However, one group rises above all others as the true heroes of the field:

    The tiny people that live in your TV.

    When’s the last time you thanked them, anyway? Sure, they’re really good at staying in character and pretending not to hear you, but they do. Think of how dedicated they are to that job. Just sitting around, waiting for you to turn on your TV, then quickly doing costume and scene changes as you flip the channels. They spend their whole lives in those cramped boxes, waiting to serve you. And if you have a portable TV? Forget about it! You thought a flatscreen was cramped? Just wait until you’re smushed into something the size of a wallet.

    If you’re thinking of getting a portable TV, and would like to make things a little easier for the lilliputians inside it, get yourself the NT-401 Portable Widescreen LCD TV. It’s got a nice, high resolution screen, which also happens to be in widescreen format. Not something you see on too many portable TVs, and the additional elbow room will definitely be appreciated by the miniature actors. It can receive Digital ATSC broadcasts with its telescoping antenna, and can also play media from its SD/MMC slot. You can even let the little people chill in their pajamas by taking advantage of the FM radio! It’s also got a rechargeable Lithium battery, so you won’t have to pay for new ones all the time.

    Get yourself a Portable Widescreen LCD TV, and thank the hardest working little guys in the biz.

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  • 07Jul

    By now, it should be fairly evident to all but the most die hard Luddites, anti-technologists, and clue-missers that MP3 players aren’t going anywhere. It seems like every week there’s another announcement about some high-tech new media device that can beam your friend’s opinion of his most recent hot dog eating excursion directly into your brain, use satellites to update your proximity to a 15 year old pop crooner’s favorite yoga gym in real time, or any number of other completely frivolous utilities and applications that no one in the history of the universe could have ever possibly asked for.

    That’s not to say smartphones, reverse engineered alien music technology, and slowly transforming yourself into a media devouring cyborg aren’t pretty cool and all, but sometimes you just want a dang ol’ regular device that’ll hold a bunch of songs you like, play them without requiring you to post a witty review about the experience, and doesn’t require installment plans or a second mortgage.

    That’s where the NX-119 MP3 Player comes in. It’s got everything you’d want in a device that’s supposed to, oh, I don’t know, play music? It has 2GB of space, which means you have lots of space to load up your favorite tunes. Even better, that space is provided by flash memory, which means the player can shake, bump, jostle, and jar without you worrying that the thing is gonna choke and fry itself. This player is user friendly and rechargeable, so you can be sure that maintenance will essentially be a non-issue.

    Just because the NX-119 is streamlined and very wallet friendly doesn’t mean it has no features, though. It can receive and play FM radio, it shows track titles and band names for your music on its large screen, and lets you load up pictures, videos, or movies. You can even use it like a digital reminder, thanks to its built-in voice recorder and speaker.

    So there you go. If you’re looking for a nice MP3 Player that won’t break the bank and comes with some cool features you’d actually want, you can’t do much better than the NX-119. It may not autonomously transmit your passing desire for cupcakes out into space for future generations of alien archaeologists to ponder, but something tells us you’ll probably overcome that heartbreak by the end of this sentence.

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  • 06Jul

    We’ve heard good things about you; that you’re a promising new talent. The Agency is always glad to help an eager cadet meet their potential in service to the Crown. As you can imagine, this career tends to have a high… Well let’s just call it a “high turnover rate.” Let’s see what your chart says here, then. Hmm… Hmm… Excellent. Your test scores are well within the 90th percentile. Your obstacle course times are the best we’ve seen in three semesters. Your firearms and self defense instructors have both written letters of recommendation. It certainly seems that you have everything we’re looking for in a Double-0 Agent.

    It’s likely that, by now, you’ve heard tales of the exploits of our most storied agent; 007. While it’s true that he has had many great successes and performed above and beyond the call of duty numerous times, one should know that he isn’t perfect. Sure, he’s foiled the schemes of balding would-be despots and curiously themed lackeys dozens of times, but he leaves a path of destruction in so doing. He can also be a bit… careless, you could call it, with the rather delicate equipment that Q commissions to him. This brings us to you.

    Being the newest Double-0 Agent in the field, you will be given a number. As your achievements accrue and the agents above you retire, or are retired, your number will decrease. For now, you will be known as agent 0052. Unfortunately for you, being the lowest on the totem pole means you’re last in line for assignments and gear. Since 007 has once again blown through this year’s entire budgetary allotment for spy gear in the course of his latest outing, Q has decided to assign civilian equipment to all new agents. Now, I know you’ve heard about all of the sexy gadgets you would supposedly be getting upon attainment of Double-0 status, but until we can perform an audit and request more financing for the department, the laser pens, exploding mints, and x-ray contact lenses are going to have to wait. Actually, we won’t be giving out the x-ray contact lenses anymore regardless. 007 racked up another harassment suit.

    Oh, come now, don’t look too down. We’ve still found some actually quite impressive pieces of civilian technology to kit you with. For instance, have a look at this; the NT-301 Portable LCD TV. It has a 3.5″ LCD screen, which is bright and large enough for you to make out the coded messages we hide in daytime TV. It receives FM radio transmissions, which is great for when a fellow agent is in the midst of battling a megalomaniacal radio DJ and pirates the signal to request assistance. Or, you know, for listening to music. Either way, the telescoping antenna can pick up those signals loud and clear. Speaking of hearing those signals, you can play them through the built-in speakers, or if you’re on a stealth mission, through the included earphones. Lastly, and this will be of most interest to you and the other agents, do you see that small slot on the unit? You can insert SD or MMC data storage there, allowing us to give you mission parameters, dossiers, training videos, and other classified information to view later.

    See? We knew you’d love it. For us, the best part is how inexpensive it is. A few seasons of commissioning these affordable gadgets and we should be able to requisition you a cell phone that unfolds into a machine gun. Anyway, why don’t you go ahead and take the NT-301 with you and get familiar with it.

    Oh, one final word, though. Don’t lend it to 007. He breaks everything, and if you lose this, you’re going into the field with nothing but a calculator watch.

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  • 28Jun

    So you want to choose a TV, but you’re still trying to make up your mind about features you need? Consult this handy guide for a few pointers!

    • 7″ Portable LCD TV- This handheld device is the smallest of the group, which also means it’s the most portable. It’s ideal for tossing in a backpack or glove box so you can catch some shows when you’re stuck somewhere. It’s also a great set to have during an emergency in case traditional TV reception is rendered impossible, as it will let you catch any important information, developments, or emergency broadcasts.
    • 9″ Portable LCD TV- Like the one above, only with a larger screen. It performs all of the above functions, trading increased screen size for a slightly larger body. If you want a portable TV, and don’t have to worry about packing things down to the smallest possible size, there’s no reason you wouldn’t love this one.
    • 15″ LCD HDTV- Now we’re getting into the non-portable models. This 15″ TV needs to remain moored to some manner of power source (either AC or DC will do), but it trades up in image quality with a fantastic High Def picture. It also plays DVDs thanks to an in-unit disc player. This set is great if you want to install a TV on your RV, boat, or semi-truck, but don’t have a whole lot of space to work with. It’s also wall-mountable, meaning it can get installed just about anywhere.
    • 19″ LCD HDTV- A decent size upgrade from the 15″ without becoming too unwieldy, the 19″ does everything the 15″ does, but bigger. With its HD picture, you really get the most out of the screen size.
    • 22″ LCD HDTV- This is the largest size 12 volt HDTV you can get! If you have the space on a boat, semi, or RV, this is a great choice for your main TV and DVD player. Like the 15″ and 19″, it’s wall mountable, functions with either AC or DC power, includes an in-unit DVD player, has its own speakers, can intercept digital TV signals, and has a remote control.

    As you can see, there are a wide variety of TVs to meet any of your traveling and watching needs. Just pick the one that fits your life!

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  • 09Jun

    Continued from part 2…

    Varn! Look above you!

    Varn! Look above you!

    Varn’s heart skipped a beat as the mongrel man-thing let out a shrill, throaty keen, and he suddenly became quite aware of how unfortunate his situation was. The entwined knot of sleeping mutant bodies on the other side of the shelf began to rouse themselves and yip in curiosity. Varn estimated he had perhaps 30 seconds before the newly awakened mutants realized that breakfast was in their midst, and it was making off with one of their treasures. Varn stuffed the NX-769 6 Way Ultra Performance Car Speakers into his satchel and braced himself as the sentry mutant leapt from its top-shelf watchtower. Varn barely had enough time to bring his curved metal club up to defend himself as the beast crashed bodily into him, shoving him against the shelves behind him. His helmed head slammed against a beam as the supports for the shelf creaked with the impact, leaning back several inches before righting themselves. As Varn jammed the club into the mutant’s gnashing mouth and gripped one of its warty claws with his free hand, an idea came to him. Using the shelf behind him for leverage, he let go of the mutant’s wrist, grabbed the other end of the club, and flung himself forward as hard as he could.

    Letting go of the claw was a dangerous decision, and it earned him several nasty gouges as the monster flailed at him with feral intensity. Once the pitiful wretch was slammed into the shelf, though, it ceased its onslaught for a stunned moment. The shelf separating Varn and his combatant from the now riled and whooping mutant clan gave a mighty groan and began to tumble backwards, popping up mooring bolts and snapping aged girders. Once that first end of the shelves started tumbling, the rest followed suit with increasing speed, resulting in a cacophonous meeting of metal shelves and unprepared mutant flesh.

    Most of the cannibalistic devils were crushed, though some were merely pinned. Varn took the opportunity to lay several vicious hammer blows to the nearby mutant’s skull before it could stand back up, scattering nearly a dozen needle-like fangs around the dusty floor. Without looking back Varn sprinted for the door, grabbing another small box from a countertop near the front. He didn’t know what it contained, but he figured that if he couldn’t use it, he could perhaps trade with it back in town. This trek had been treacherous enough that he felt deserved a little more compensation, even if it meant stealing more ancient artifacts from the Sacred Tomb of the Brothers Pep. With a final burst of effort, Varn threw his shoulder into the entry door, splintering the dry-rotten boards and bursting out into the welcoming sunlight.

    Feeling the sun-baked sand under his body, Varn blindly scrambled another thirty paces and vaulted behind one of the rusted metal shells that populated the fenced in ground before the Temple of the Pep Boys and waited for his eyes to adjust to the glaring light of day. The parcel he grabbed on the way out joined the spee kurrz in his satchel, and after catching his breath, Varn stood up and made sure he wasn’t followed. He could see movement in the doorway, and a few angry cries, but the wounded mutants didn’t seem to fancy their chances when not fighting on their own terms. Even though well-stocked temples of artifice were uncommon and deserving of respect, Varn removed his helmet and smiled to himself as he heard more shelves toppling in a domino effect. He really did hate mutants.

    *****

    Back in the town, all the folk cheered the bloodied hero’s return. A small girl ran up to him with a waterskin, which he thanked her for and drank from thirstily. He entered Fidik’s clocktower and upended his satchel on the sage’s workbench.

    “Fidik!” he bellowed in exhaustion before slumping into a hammock chair. “Fidik! I have your artifact! Yours, and one of my own.” The wild eyed wise man rapidly took each step down his wrought iron spiral staircase and ran over to study the contents of the boxes.

    “Marvelous, Varn! Simply marvelous! You truly are as good as they say! Oh, I know just the thing to do with your artifact, too. You’ll love it.”

    “I’m sure I will, wizard, but I still have a care to be paid for my trouble. These claw wounds didn’t come from horseflies, you know.”

    “Yes, yes, of course, the mayor should have your payment. See him when you’re ready to leave. Ah, Varn, you really have come through for us. These spee kurrz are even better than the NX-770 3 Way High Performance Speakers the town has relied upon for years. With these, I can keep the mutants farther away from the walls than ever before.”

    “That is good news, Fidik. By the way, the helm you gave me worked out very well. Had I not been wearing it, I would have been knocked senseless when that mutant landed on me, and I’d be in the stomachs of a herd of ghouls. So, what is the nature of the second treasure I obtained?”

    Fidik looked the smaller box over again. “It’s perfect for a man such as yourself. It’s called the NX-712 Mini Pocket Radio. It will allow you to hear the voices of men who are not present. Many of us wise men use similar magic to communicate over great distances. I will inscribe on this device the arcane coordinates and times at which you may find my voice, as well as those which will let you conjur the sounds that drive away mutants. I will not always be speaking, but the warding song that repels beasts can be found at all times, though I fear my magic can only project it as far as the red hills. I send it from this.” Fidik placed his hand on a strange looking contraption with a long, thin, metal protrusion extending from the top. “It is called the Hamray Dio.”

    Varn was intrigued, even though Fidik tended to babble. “Aye, Fidik, I do not understand but half of what you’ve said, but I trust it does what you say it does, and I am both grateful and impressed. Any magic that lets me avoid mutants is a magic I can learn to love.”

    “So, Varn,” spoke the sorcerer. “Now that you’re here, how long do you think you’ll stay? The town can always use a man of your skill and might.”

    “Oh, who can say, Fidik. Perhaps until my wounds heal. But not long. My legs will grow restless and my heart forever yearns to see the new and the miraculous. I hear that if one travels west from here, they can see so much water in one place that the eye cannot see the opposing shore. I should very much like to see such a spectacle, if it exists.”

    Fidik nodded thoughtfully. “And if it exists, Varn, I am sure you will see it.”

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  • 03Jun

    Continued from yesterday…

    The inside of the Temple of Pep was dark, and the few cracks in the boarded up windows cast solid beams of light through air choked with dust. Varn surveyed the grounds before him. In the gloomy half-light, he could make out dozens of tall shelves carving the area into narrow hallways. He didn’t like how tactically disadvantageous the layout was. He could walk right onto a killing floor without realizing it; run through with a score of spear thrusts through the shelves or coated in burning oil from above. With a heavy sigh of resignation and determination, Varn set one foot in front of the other.

    “Now where in this blasted place do they keep the spee kurrz,” Varn wondered. He could see all manner of sand-caked packages on the shelves. It would be the work of 10 men to go through them all in a day. With a stroke of luck, then, Varn saw signs at the tops of the shelves. He could not read the runes of the Old Age, but he did recognize one of the signs as bearing some of the same marks as his box top. He sheathed his club and pulled the parchment out of his satchel. Scanning the faded cardboard, he smirked at his own cleverness when he saw the symbols that matched the sign. He held the box top up to the sign to compare. Some of the symbols had worn off of the sign, but even with the missing runes he could see that “CA_ SPE_K_RS” was a reasonable match for “car speakers” on his box top, so down the hall he went.

    Boxes of many shapes and sizes littered the floor and shelves. Some were empty, some had their contents strewn about the ground in shattered fragments. As he searched the shelves for the closest match to his box top, his ears pricked up in warning. Breathing. He could hear the breathing of… several things. Gingerly, Varn pushed a stack of boxes to the side and peered through the shelf. “Of course,” he thought. “Of course the mutants are sleeping in a large pile on the other side of the one shelf I need to search. My luck would have it no other way.

    True enough, he could see almost 20 bestial, malformed bodies sleeping in a dogpile that stank of sweat and dry blood. They wore ragged tatters of stolen clothing if they wore anything at all, and gelatinous saliva oozed from slack mouths too full of gnarled teeth to ever close properly. Glossy, lidless, black fish eyes stared at nothing and everything while slow, shallow breaths were the only thing helping reassure Varn that they were in fact asleep.

    “This doesn’t change anything,” Varn told himself with some concern. “Just get the artifact and get out of here.” Quickly, he peered over the boxes again, moving a few with quiet precision. Finally, he found one that looked close enough and in decent enough condition that he could be reasonably certain Fidik wouldn’t ask him to come back and do this all again. The only problem was that it was on the far side of the shelf. The side the mutants were sleeping on.

    Varn unsheathed his hooked club and, bracing himself against the wobbly shelf, stretched it forward until he could catch the lip of the box with the hook. The package made a soft scraping sound as Varn slowly pulled it closer to him; every inch feeling like a mile, every scrape sounding like a lion’s roar. At last, with the box close enough for his fingertips to touch, he grabbed the box and exhaled a breath he hadn’t been aware he was holding.

    Had he been able to read the ancient sigils on the box, he’d have seen it contained the NX-769 6 Way Ultra Performance Car Speaker, a model even more impressive than the one it was replacing. With a thicker 30mm high temperature aluminum voice coil, 40 oz magnet, and 30-22KHZ frequency response, the NX-769 had more power and greater range with which to blast the frequencies that were untenable to mutant ears. The rubber butyl surrounded edge would ensure that this speaker kept the village safe for many more years.

    The artifact was in his possession, and all he had stirred was dust. Unfortunately, dust was still too much, and every muscle in Varn’s body clenched as he heard one of the mutants in the pile stir in a fit of coughs. With bated breath Varn stood completely still in the shadows of the hall, waiting to see if the creature would go back to sleep. After what felt like forever, he pushed himself onward in the hopes that silence meant safety. As he approached the last few feet of the hallway, something told him to look up.

    A mutant perched atop the high shelf, cocking its head and examining Varn with an appraising eye. Varn tightened his grip on his hooked club and the boxed artifact as the mutant reared it’s head back and screeched.

    to be continued!

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  • 02Jun

    Varn craned a shading hand over his squinting eyes and peered at the ruins baking under the midday sun. Gravel and salty earth crunched under his animal-skin and tire-rubber booted feet as he descended the hillside nestling the site. He had journeyed past this ruin many times, but since it lacked food and was said to be a hallowed place of magic and artifice by the sages who studied the Old World, he had never given it much notice. Simply another testament to the world that came before the one he lived in now; a scar from a long gone era of wonders and technology.

    This time, however, the battle-hardened vagabond had a reason to explore the dilapidated cube and the strange metal shells sprawling before it. He had been hired by a local village to retrieve something called “spee kurrz.” The village was fortunate enough to have a wise man in it. Such warlocks were rare, and incredibly valuable. They knew how to read the runes of the Old Age, which could be used to steal alchemical and healing secrets from ancient tomes like the legendary Manual of Merck.

    Varn surveyed the ruins with a wary eye. The windows of the aged structure were boarded up. This likely meant the place was sometimes used as a daytime refuge for mutants, who as a whole were quite dubious of the sun. Varn was safe enough under the boiling rays, but mutants were occasionally known to briefly leave their shade if food or loot was nearby and the opportunity was ripe. He drew his hooked, metal club, pulled his new helmet onto his head, and carefully, quietly crept up to the entryway.

    Varn liked Fidik, the town wise man who had this morning dispatched him to the ruins. Normally, Varn was immediately distrustful of sorcerers, but Fidik had a kind and helpful manner to him. He even gave Varn his new helmet, cobbled together from the headgear of ancient clan of sportsman/gladiators known as Raiders, and something called a Welder’s Mask. Fidik told Varn of Welders, an ancient caste of men who could shape fire and metal as easily as clay. Feeling his thoughts wander, Varn pulled them back to the task at hand, and the description of the item that Fidik had given him.

    “Varn, I will need you to venture into the Temple of The Pep Boys, marked by heads of the Brothers Three,” Fidik had said. “In this place, I will need you to find artifacts known as ’spee kurrz.’ I fear the ones we have been using here to drive off the mutants and their night raids are close to failing. The 3-Way High Performance Car Speakers, with their injection molded polypropylene cone and high temperature aluminum voice coil, have kept us safe for many more years than we could ever have hoped for. Unfortunately, they were damaged two moons ago in a mutant raid. Without their magic, I can not produce the sounds that cause the mutants to flee. Please, Varn. The entire community is depending on you returning with the spee kurrz.”

    Varn conjured to mind the shape of the objects, as well as the admonition that they may be hidden in some manner of package. The men of the Old Age seemed to be preoccupied with placing things in boxes, a predilection which had always confused Varn. He ran his free hand along the pouches at his waste, making sure he still had the front panel of the box Fidik had given him from the failing spee kurrz. Fidik said that as long as the box or its contents looked similar to that parchment, the artifact should work.

    Varn slid the protective plate over his face, gently pushed the door open, and with his instincts percolating in anticipation, entered the dark, dusty air of the Temple of the Three Brothers.

    to be continued!

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  • 01Jun

    If you’ve ever rented or owned a recreational vehicle, you’re already aware of how important the shoreline connection is. Plugging your shoreline cord into a campground’s power supply is much quieter, more reliable, and less hassle-prone than most of the other options for distributing 120 volt AC power to your rig (such as running a generator, for instance). Almost any RV you see today will have a permanently attached shoreline cord, unless it’s one of those unpopular RVs that never got invited to parties in high school. The cord should have an amp rating governed by the amount of circuits that particular RV needs. 30-amp is what you’ll see most often, but smaller campers can have as low as 15-amp while larger RVs can easily come with 50-amp. It all depends on how many 12 volt AC gadgets and outlets the RV is equipped with. The more devices and places to mount devices, the greater the rating of the cord, and all of the electrical components should be appropriately and similarly rated.

    It is most often the case that your whole electrical system will be distributed AC power as soon as you plug in the shoreline cord, but some rigs have an automatic transfer switching device. This might cause a small lag between plugging or starting a generator and receiving the juice. When you turn on your generator or plug into shoreline power, it is advisable to keep the following in mind:

    • Switch off all of the heavier loads on your electrical system, such as your AC unit, water heater, etc.
    • Check for appropriate voltage and correct polarity in the power supply before plugging in to shoreline power. It takes a few extra minutes, but it’s definitely worthwhile. Otherwise, you tempt fate with potential injuries to body and equipment. Reversed polarity can be very dangerous! Don’t plug into any shoreline power that measures as “reversed.” Report it to the campground authorities and find another outlet.
    • Check the frequency of the power supply. It should be at or around 120 volts AC, though it could be in the low hundreds or near 130. If the voltage is too low or too high, damage will likely occur.
    • Replace the shoreline cord if it receives any kind of damage. If it’s got cuts, nicks, tears, bends, pinches, stretches, kinks, or wear-and-tear from age, you should replace it as soon as possible.
    • The frequency you measure will likely fall very close to 60 Hertz, especially in America and other places with a very standardized use of electricity. More remote areas may have very different ranges, so make sure you check!
    • Clean the metal prongs of your shoreline cord regularly with fine steel wool or sandpaper.

    Plugging into shoreline power is a major part of enjoying your RV, and staying on top of the related simple maintenance can ensure that you enjoy a healthy 12 volt electrical system for a long time to come.

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  • 28May

    “That’s right, chum. The NX-684 Touchscreen In-Dash DVD/MP3/CD/USB Player and TV Tuner I’ve just installed in the Batmobile is going to be an enormous help in our never-ending war on the criminal element.”

    “And it won’t hurt with the ladies, either, Batman.”

    “That it won’t, my young squire, though I think you still have a few years to go before you’ll really need to start dealing with them, aha! In any case, the highly receptive touchscreen means we won’t have to fumble around with the buttons to access the features we want, and the remote control will let even a backseat DJ in on the fun. The TV Tuner will also let us check the local news for breaking emergencies.”

    “Well, first off, Batman, does the Batmobile even have a backseat? Also, regarding the girls… I’m 32, Bruce. You can’t keep pretending I’m still a kid. Which reminds me, I’ve really been meaning to talk to you about this costume. It was pretty silly even when I was 12. As it stands, I feel completely ridiculous going outside in this thing. Have you seen the way Joker laughs at me?”

    “Robin, Joker laughs at everything. That’s sort of his schtick. You can’t take him seriously, you know that. Now come here, I want to show you how the ID3 Text Function displays track information on the device we’ve just installed.”

    “Quit changing the subject! I’m used to Joker laughing at everything, but now when we jump in through the skylight, I see him lean over to his henchmen and snicker. It’s different and you know it! I’m a grown man, Batman. I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to be fighting crime in a red muscle shirt, a yellow half-cape, and green speedos. I don’t even remember how you sold me on these Peter Pan shoes 20 years ago.”

    “Oh, come now, son. That uniform isn’t too different from Aquaman’s. He’s been sporting speedos for years!”

    “Exactly my point! If people are comparing you to Aquaman, you know you’re doing something wrong. That man’s only friends are fish.”

    “Now that’s not fair, Robin. Aquaman has done a lot for-”

    “Look, here’s how it’s gonna be, Bruce. I’m having Alfred design me a new uniform, and I’m borrowing the Batmobile tonight. I plan on using the Auxiliary Input Jack on the Touchscreen Player to plug in my MP3 player and get a mood-setting mix going for my date tonight.”

    “You have a date!? I didn’t okay this!”

    “Bruce! Live in the now! You don’t get to okay my romantic life, I’m not a kid anymore, despite what this costume would indicate. Selena and I are gonna have a night on the town, and you just need to be okay with it.”

    “Catwoman!? Chum, you can’t seriously be going on a date with Catwoman! She’ll steal the NX-684 the second that she sees it accepts MP3 CDs, USB, DVDs, SD, and MM cards!”

    “Not with its motorized, removable faceplate and LED security lights, she won’t. Besides, we’re leaving the costumes behind tonight. This is just two people going on a regular date. In the Batmobile.”

    “Isn’t she a little old for you, Robin?”

    “She may not be in the Catwoman costume when I pick her up, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t still a Cougar.”

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