• 09Jul

    A list

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    The following is a list of what we feel are ten compelling reasons that the NPD-702 Portable DVD Player with 7″ LCD Screen is superior to finding an orphaned infant abandoned on your doorstep.

    • By current estimates, it costs nearly $200,000 to raise a child from birth to legal adulthood. Conversely, it costs less than $80 to bring a DVD playing bundle of joy into your life.
    • Not only will inserting DVDs into an orphan child not result in several hours of movie enjoyment, it will result in you being hounded by Social Services.
    • Babies don’t have USB inputs yet, and their speakers are automatically set to “scream loudly with no volume adjust.”
    • The NPD-702 comes with a Full Function Remote Control. A baby comes with a fully functioning bowel system without even the remotest amount of control.
    • The NPD-702 enjoys a 180 degree swivel screen design. If you repeatedly swivel a baby 180 degrees, well… The less said about that, the better. Babies are not for shaking.
    • The DVD player has a slot for SD/MMC media storage, so you can enjoy a wide variety of videos and images, whereas all a baby can do is draw some lame picture that doesn’t even look like anything, if you’re lucky.
    • You won’t have to grapple with the complex moral issues involved with lying to a baby about Santa Clause, The Tooth Fairy, or the Easter Bunny when you use the NPD-702. The NPD-702 only cares about showing you movies.
    • The NPD-702 has a wide 7″ screen that can be set to Normal or Widescreen viewing modes. The closest thing an orphaned baby has to that is a face which, to be frankly honest, is kind of fat and weird looking.
    • You can fold up the highly portable DVD player/LCD screen combo and toss it in a backpack, while there are entire industries built around different ways to lug around an infant. And before you ask, no, you can’t try folding up the baby, that’s a terrible idea and we can’t believe you were thinking it even though it’s not your kid.
    • Everyone knows that babies left on doorstops always end up having some ridiculous destiny of ultimate good or evil, and that is just way more drama than anyone wants to sign up for. The NPD-702 is way more laid back, and is all about watching Top Gun in a hammock with some lemonade.

    Now we don’t want to go around telling you what to do and what not to do, but those points all seem pretty irrefutable. So if you hear that baby crying on your doorstep someday, you’re totally welcome to open the door and start down that path. Or you could just turn up your DVD player until it becomes “not your problem.” Your call.

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  • 08Jul

    How do they get those little men in there?

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    Television is a pretty remarkable technology. We don’t often think about what it really takes to make it happen. There are countless numbers of people who make their living by being part of the expansive chain of processes required to bring TV to you. However, one group rises above all others as the true heroes of the field:

    The tiny people that live in your TV.

    When’s the last time you thanked them, anyway? Sure, they’re really good at staying in character and pretending not to hear you, but they do. Think of how dedicated they are to that job. Just sitting around, waiting for you to turn on your TV, then quickly doing costume and scene changes as you flip the channels. They spend their whole lives in those cramped boxes, waiting to serve you. And if you have a portable TV? Forget about it! You thought a flatscreen was cramped? Just wait until you’re smushed into something the size of a wallet.

    If you’re thinking of getting a portable TV, and would like to make things a little easier for the lilliputians inside it, get yourself the NT-401 Portable Widescreen LCD TV. It’s got a nice, high resolution screen, which also happens to be in widescreen format. Not something you see on too many portable TVs, and the additional elbow room will definitely be appreciated by the miniature actors. It can receive Digital ATSC broadcasts with its telescoping antenna, and can also play media from its SD/MMC slot. You can even let the little people chill in their pajamas by taking advantage of the FM radio! It’s also got a rechargeable Lithium battery, so you won’t have to pay for new ones all the time.

    Get yourself a Portable Widescreen LCD TV, and thank the hardest working little guys in the biz.

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  • 07Jul

    MP3 Overkill

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    By now, it should be fairly evident to all but the most die hard Luddites, anti-technologists, and clue-missers that MP3 players aren’t going anywhere. It seems like every week there’s another announcement about some high-tech new media device that can beam your friend’s opinion of his most recent hot dog eating excursion directly into your brain, use satellites to update your proximity to a 15 year old pop crooner’s favorite yoga gym in real time, or any number of other completely frivolous utilities and applications that no one in the history of the universe could have ever possibly asked for.

    That’s not to say smartphones, reverse engineered alien music technology, and slowly transforming yourself into a media devouring cyborg aren’t pretty cool and all, but sometimes you just want a dang ol’ regular device that’ll hold a bunch of songs you like, play them without requiring you to post a witty review about the experience, and doesn’t require installment plans or a second mortgage.

    That’s where the NX-119 MP3 Player comes in. It’s got everything you’d want in a device that’s supposed to, oh, I don’t know, play music? It has 2GB of space, which means you have lots of space to load up your favorite tunes. Even better, that space is provided by flash memory, which means the player can shake, bump, jostle, and jar without you worrying that the thing is gonna choke and fry itself. This player is user friendly and rechargeable, so you can be sure that maintenance will essentially be a non-issue.

    Just because the NX-119 is streamlined and very wallet friendly doesn’t mean it has no features, though. It can receive and play FM radio, it shows track titles and band names for your music on its large screen, and lets you load up pictures, videos, or movies. You can even use it like a digital reminder, thanks to its built-in voice recorder and speaker.

    So there you go. If you’re looking for a nice MP3 Player that won’t break the bank and comes with some cool features you’d actually want, you can’t do much better than the NX-119. It may not autonomously transmit your passing desire for cupcakes out into space for future generations of alien archaeologists to ponder, but something tells us you’ll probably overcome that heartbreak by the end of this sentence.

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  • 06Jul

    Have a seat, recruit.

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    We’ve heard good things about you; that you’re a promising new talent. The Agency is always glad to help an eager cadet meet their potential in service to the Crown. As you can imagine, this career tends to have a high… Well let’s just call it a “high turnover rate.” Let’s see what your chart says here, then. Hmm… Hmm… Excellent. Your test scores are well within the 90th percentile. Your obstacle course times are the best we’ve seen in three semesters. Your firearms and self defense instructors have both written letters of recommendation. It certainly seems that you have everything we’re looking for in a Double-0 Agent.

    It’s likely that, by now, you’ve heard tales of the exploits of our most storied agent; 007. While it’s true that he has had many great successes and performed above and beyond the call of duty numerous times, one should know that he isn’t perfect. Sure, he’s foiled the schemes of balding would-be despots and curiously themed lackeys dozens of times, but he leaves a path of destruction in so doing. He can also be a bit… careless, you could call it, with the rather delicate equipment that Q commissions to him. This brings us to you.

    Being the newest Double-0 Agent in the field, you will be given a number. As your achievements accrue and the agents above you retire, or are retired, your number will decrease. For now, you will be known as agent 0052. Unfortunately for you, being the lowest on the totem pole means you’re last in line for assignments and gear. Since 007 has once again blown through this year’s entire budgetary allotment for spy gear in the course of his latest outing, Q has decided to assign civilian equipment to all new agents. Now, I know you’ve heard about all of the sexy gadgets you would supposedly be getting upon attainment of Double-0 status, but until we can perform an audit and request more financing for the department, the laser pens, exploding mints, and x-ray contact lenses are going to have to wait. Actually, we won’t be giving out the x-ray contact lenses anymore regardless. 007 racked up another harassment suit.

    Oh, come now, don’t look too down. We’ve still found some actually quite impressive pieces of civilian technology to kit you with. For instance, have a look at this; the NT-301 Portable LCD TV. It has a 3.5″ LCD screen, which is bright and large enough for you to make out the coded messages we hide in daytime TV. It receives FM radio transmissions, which is great for when a fellow agent is in the midst of battling a megalomaniacal radio DJ and pirates the signal to request assistance. Or, you know, for listening to music. Either way, the telescoping antenna can pick up those signals loud and clear. Speaking of hearing those signals, you can play them through the built-in speakers, or if you’re on a stealth mission, through the included earphones. Lastly, and this will be of most interest to you and the other agents, do you see that small slot on the unit? You can insert SD or MMC data storage there, allowing us to give you mission parameters, dossiers, training videos, and other classified information to view later.

    See? We knew you’d love it. For us, the best part is how inexpensive it is. A few seasons of commissioning these affordable gadgets and we should be able to requisition you a cell phone that unfolds into a machine gun. Anyway, why don’t you go ahead and take the NT-301 with you and get familiar with it.

    Oh, one final word, though. Don’t lend it to 007. He breaks everything, and if you lose this, you’re going into the field with nothing but a calculator watch.

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  • 28May

    Holy 12 Volt Touchscreen Technology, Batman!

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    “That’s right, chum. The NX-684 Touchscreen In-Dash DVD/MP3/CD/USB Player and TV Tuner I’ve just installed in the Batmobile is going to be an enormous help in our never-ending war on the criminal element.”

    “And it won’t hurt with the ladies, either, Batman.”

    “That it won’t, my young squire, though I think you still have a few years to go before you’ll really need to start dealing with them, aha! In any case, the highly receptive touchscreen means we won’t have to fumble around with the buttons to access the features we want, and the remote control will let even a backseat DJ in on the fun. The TV Tuner will also let us check the local news for breaking emergencies.”

    “Well, first off, Batman, does the Batmobile even have a backseat? Also, regarding the girls… I’m 32, Bruce. You can’t keep pretending I’m still a kid. Which reminds me, I’ve really been meaning to talk to you about this costume. It was pretty silly even when I was 12. As it stands, I feel completely ridiculous going outside in this thing. Have you seen the way Joker laughs at me?”

    “Robin, Joker laughs at everything. That’s sort of his schtick. You can’t take him seriously, you know that. Now come here, I want to show you how the ID3 Text Function displays track information on the device we’ve just installed.”

    “Quit changing the subject! I’m used to Joker laughing at everything, but now when we jump in through the skylight, I see him lean over to his henchmen and snicker. It’s different and you know it! I’m a grown man, Batman. I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to be fighting crime in a red muscle shirt, a yellow half-cape, and green speedos. I don’t even remember how you sold me on these Peter Pan shoes 20 years ago.”

    “Oh, come now, son. That uniform isn’t too different from Aquaman’s. He’s been sporting speedos for years!”

    “Exactly my point! If people are comparing you to Aquaman, you know you’re doing something wrong. That man’s only friends are fish.”

    “Now that’s not fair, Robin. Aquaman has done a lot for-”

    “Look, here’s how it’s gonna be, Bruce. I’m having Alfred design me a new uniform, and I’m borrowing the Batmobile tonight. I plan on using the Auxiliary Input Jack on the Touchscreen Player to plug in my MP3 player and get a mood-setting mix going for my date tonight.”

    “You have a date!? I didn’t okay this!”

    “Bruce! Live in the now! You don’t get to okay my romantic life, I’m not a kid anymore, despite what this costume would indicate. Selena and I are gonna have a night on the town, and you just need to be okay with it.”

    “Catwoman!? Chum, you can’t seriously be going on a date with Catwoman! She’ll steal the NX-684 the second that she sees it accepts MP3 CDs, USB, DVDs, SD, and MM cards!”

    “Not with its motorized, removable faceplate and LED security lights, she won’t. Besides, we’re leaving the costumes behind tonight. This is just two people going on a regular date. In the Batmobile.”

    “Isn’t she a little old for you, Robin?”

    “She may not be in the Catwoman costume when I pick her up, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t still a Cougar.”

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  • 19May

    5 Uses for a Talking Photo Frame

    Our Products News, Tips and Tricks 1 Comment

    You may be thinking to yourself, “Self, if someone were to ask me what I could do with a 7″ digital photo frame with speakers, I bet I’d be able to tell them pretty easily,” and that’s probably true. But the response you would give to the theoretical question is probably a pretty generic one. You can get way more creative than just popping vacation photos and a Jimmy Buffet song on the thing and leaving it on the shelf.

    1. Regular style. Put a few meaningful pictures and sentimental songs on it. Put it by the front door, on a shelf, or in the hallway so guests can enjoy the virtual tour of your life.
    2. Highly targeted motivational device. Download pictures of people winning races, climbing mountains, rocking on stage, or whatever else the end goal of your current aspirations are. Have it play Eye of the Tiger by Survivor, You’re the Best by Joe Esposito, and anything else you can think of that oozes 80’s inspirational montage. Use it as an evolving motivational poster, a slightly ridiculous visualization tool, and a private trainer for your home gym.
    3. Ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend inoculation. If you’re the sort of person who, in their weaker (or more inebriated) moments, is known for trying to jumpstart old relationships that ended in some degree of disaster, this can really help you avoid doing that. Load pictures of your various exes (especially ones that are unflattering, display a personal quirk you couldn’t stand, or remind you of a huge fight), then record and load yourself giving brief explanations of why you are not with that person any longer. Nothing will freeze those nostalgic feelings in their tracks like seeing a picture of your ex letting their dog lick their open mouth while your voice chastises you for thinking you should get back with the person who said you were their soulmate on the first date.
    4. The Best Valentine’s Gift You’ve Ever Even Heard Of.
    5. Baby Hypnosis Unit. Put pictures of mom, pop, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, gran-gran, pep-pep, and anyone else you like enough to permanently imprint onto a baby’s malleable psyche. Load up lullabies, family and friends saying loving or reassuring things, and other baby-friendly audio materials. Mount it near the standard baby funtime chandelier and turn it on from time to time so your baby can strengthen its eye muscles and recognition skills while you brainwash it into unyielding loyalty.

    We could do this all day, but we think you get the idea. The uses for a device like this are really only limited by your imagination. What other “outside the box” applications can you think of? As usual, drop it in the comments, amigos!

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  • 07May

    T.G.I.F.F.

    MP3 Players, Our Products News No Comments

    Which obviously stands for “Thank God It’s Finally Friday!” Wait, what did you think that second F was for? Never mind, it’s not important, cause it’s FRIDAY, and we don’t have to care about anything, including whatever you were about to say. This brings us to an important topic that we do care about, though, and so should you.

    Summer jamz. Note the “z” at the end of the word “jam.” This differentiates it from any delicious fruit preserves you may also be jarring this summer, and regardless of whether Mother Nature has gotten the memo yet or not, we’re in spring. That means summer is right around the corner, replete with all of the jams and jamz you look forward to.

    Now is the perfect time to start test driving your summer playlist. Pick out the tracks that put the amber liquid of beach sunsets into your days and the mischief-breeding heat of still-warm concrete into your nights. After all the stress of the last year, we’re calling it now: 2010 is going to be a Party Summer. So start getting your musical affairs in order, cause you don’t want to be the one still trying to get a good time started on Backstreet Boys and the Spice Girls.

    Unfortunately, we can’t really do the legwork for you as regards picking your music. We don’t really know what you like, see. It varies quite a bit depending on age, area, tastes, etc. We can tell you that we’ve been enjoying the new stuff from Gorillaz and Sleigh Bells, and Best Coast, but perennial favorites AC/DC, Pink Floyd, and The Beatles will almost certainly be making the cut as well. Luckily, what we can do for you is point you in the direction of some hot gear to enjoy that music from. A good summer will need music available in the following manners:

    • From your car- You’ll want a way to blast some cruising music as you drive down the boulevard (play Lowrider) or the scenic detour (play Free Bird) with the windows down. For a budget car audio overhaul, we recommend the NCA-671 stereo and the NX-768 speakers. If you have a little more scratch to plunk down, the NX-686 or NX-684 stereos and NX-769 speakers.
    • On the go- An MP3 player like the NX-142 is great for when you want to sit on your roof or lay on the beach and watch the sun set.
    • At a party- Summer is nothing if not filled with barbecues, tailgates, grill-outs, chili cookoffs, beach parties, house parties, block parties, and the like. You’ll need a way to bring music around with you and blast it at your friends and associates. The NPB-425 stereo fills that niche nicely, playing a ton of different formats and built to go with you wherever you go.
    • At home- Lastly, you’ll want something for your living room, bedroom, garage, or wherever you spend most of your time. There are a couple ways you can do this. If you like listening to things on CD (be it regular audio CD or a burned MP3 CD), a wall mounted NX-430 stereo will do you up nice. If more often find yourself listening to your music via MP3 player, the NAS-3001 MP3 player dock and speakers is probably more your speed.

    Alright, what music recommendations do you have for us to pump through these sound machines? Leave it in the comments, summer lovers!

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  • 23Apr

    The Octopus and You

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    It’s not like we enjoy being the bearer of bad news, but the octopus is better than all of us. Sorry. It’s just a simple fact of life. Octopuses (yes that is the right terminology, look it up) have a lot of awesome qualities that put them ahead of the game. For instance:

    • Number of arms: Advantage = octopus. They have four times as many as we have, so it stands to reason that they can do anything we can do eight times as fast. No we don’t have any science to back that up. Shush.
    • Squishability: Advantage = octopus. An octopus can squeeze through openings of nearly any size. We have trouble squeezing into our “fat pants” after Thanksgiving dinner.
    • Problem solving skills: Advantage = octopus. Octopuses are known for escaping secure cages, opening screw-top bottles, hiding, using tools, disguising themselves as other things, and more. We still haven’t solved the Rubik’s cube, and let’s be honest here, neither have you. No, taking it apart and rearranging it doesn’t count, and neither does peeling the stickers off and putting them back on.

    We hate to break it to you, but if this were a job interview, you would have just lost to the octopus, hands down (all eight of ‘em). It beat you on number of arms, squishability, and problem solving skills; the three most important factors in any job interview. In the wake of the economic downturn and subsequent ever-presence of The Crunch, you can’t afford to be so vastly outclassed. We know what you’re thinking, now.

    “JuJuDeals.com, whatever can we do to stop being so much suckier than the octopus?”

    Simple. Emulate the octopus. It is a master of adaptation, so steal one from his book and adapt as well. It uses tools to increase its efficiency, and so should you. Take, for instance, this 8-in-1 combo accessory kit. Not only is it much handier and more efficient than going out and gathering each of those things independently and hoping they all work together, it also has an octopus-friendly number of attachments. It may not give you all the powers of the majestic octopus, but when you’re waiting for an interview in the lobby and you see an octopus with a necktie across from you, you’ll have the confidence of knowing you’re as prepared as you can be. You know his tricks, and you aren’t intimidated.

    Octopuses are really good at the stare-down, though. Don’t let him get inside your head.

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  • 12Apr

    Talk to your doctor about it today!

    Our Products News No Comments

    When you listen to music in your car, do you experience any of the following symptoms:

    • Music sounds tinny, as though it were coming out of an old soup can?
    • Music is accompanied by persistent buzzing, as though the instruments were being played by giant bees?
    • Music is only audible out of one ear, as though the other ear is plugged up with cotton?
    • The lyrics in the music seem to be trying to speak to you through a secret code that only you can understand, commanding you to shave your body hair into a box and mail it to Oprah so that she’ll stop using her psychic powers to make everyone think you’re a robot?

    If those first three sound like you, you may be suffering from a condition that affects tens of thousands of people the world over, known as bustedspeakeritis. If the last one sounds like you, then WOW. We don’t really know what to tell you. Oprah’s psychic powers are legendarily mighty, and just one box of hair might not be enough to stop her. Good luck.

    For those of you suffering from bustedspeakeritis and not outright paranoid delusions, rejoice! Scientists have discovered a cure: Nuspeakrinstol! Unlike most other cures for debilitating conditions, Nuspeakrinstol is both cost effective and a convenient, outpatient procedure. Though you will likely need a specialist to assist you, the process simply involves surgically removing your old car speakers and grafting 6-way Ultra Performance Speakers in their place. Because the surgery takes place entirely on your car, you’re spared from a cumbersome antibiotic and check-up regimen. Being an automobile, and having next to nothing in common with any kind of human biology, the healing time is almost immediate and there is little chance for rejection of the new parts.

    Yes, modern medical science can truly work wonders. Now if only they could do something for that Oprah guy.

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  • 09Apr

    What’s the coolest thing you own?

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    Unless your answer is “the Batmobile,” “a time machine,” or perhaps ”a severed monkey paw that gives me magic powers,” we’re afraid we’re gonna have to inform you that it probably flat-out sucks compared to what we’re about to show you. Normally we don’t just go “HAY THAR! LOOKIT THIS HERE PRO-DUCT,” but we also don’t normally get to display an item that is like a pure distillation of gadget-lust. What is this gadget we’re referring to?

    Why, nothing less than a Touchscreen In-Dash Stereo with TV Tuner, DVD Player, and about a million other features so cool you’d Charlie-horse your own grandma to get one. Let’s do a rundown of this little monster’s powers:

    • Play AM/FM radio (with 30 slots to preset pretty much every station worth listening to, and even a few crappy ones left over)
    • Play MP3s
    • Play CDs (or pretty much anything you could burn onto a CD)
    • Play DVDs
    • Show TV
    • Accept external MP3 players and other media through an AUX-IN jack
    • Accept USB devices, SD cards, and MMC cards, which basically makes it a Transformer (the ultimate gadget)
    • Display ID3 tags for your music, so you can see who and what is playing
    • Activated by completely awesome touchscreen (seriously, so awesome)
    • We kid you not, this thing has the power of ESP. Granted, that stands for Electronic Skip Protection, but that’s sort of like the “seeing the future” version of ESP. We think.

    Okay, we’re gonna stop ourselves there, cause we could probably wax romantic on this machine all day. Suffice to say, it does everything. Admit it, if you had the Batmobile, you’d put this in it. If you had a time machine, you’d go back in time to get this thing earlier. If you had a magical monkey paw, you’d wish for this thing. It’s just that cool.

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