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The following is a list of what we feel are ten compelling reasons that the NPD-702 Portable DVD Player with 7″ LCD Screen is superior to finding an orphaned infant abandoned on your doorstep.

• By current estimates, it costs nearly $200,000 to raise a child from birth to legal adulthood. Conversely, it costs less than $80 to bring a DVD playing bundle of joy into your life.
• Not only will inserting DVDs into an orphan child not result in several hours of movie enjoyment, it will result in you being hounded by Social Services.
• Babies don’t have USB inputs yet, and their speakers are automatically set to “scream loudly with no volume adjust.”
• The NPD-702 comes with a Full Function Remote Control. A baby comes with a fully functioning bowel system without even the remotest amount of control.
• The NPD-702 enjoys a 180 degree swivel screen design. If you repeatedly swivel a baby 180 degrees, well… The less said about that, the better. Babies are not for shaking.
• The DVD player has a slot for SD/MMC media storage, so you can enjoy a wide variety of videos and images, whereas all a baby can do is draw some lame picture that doesn’t even look like anything, if you’re lucky.
• You won’t have to grapple with the complex moral issues involved with lying to a baby about Santa Clause, The Tooth Fairy, or the Easter Bunny when you use the NPD-702. The NPD-702 only cares about showing you movies.
• The NPD-702 has a wide 7″ screen that can be set to Normal or Widescreen viewing modes. The closest thing an orphaned baby has to that is a face which, to be frankly honest, is kind of fat and weird looking.
• You can fold up the highly portable DVD player/LCD screen combo and toss it in a backpack, while there are entire industries built around different ways to lug around an infant. And before you ask, no, you can’t try folding up the baby, that’s a terrible idea and we can’t believe you were thinking it even though it’s not your kid.
• Everyone knows that babies left on doorstops always end up having some ridiculous destiny of ultimate good or evil, and that is just way more drama than anyone wants to sign up for. The NPD-702 is way more laid back, and is all about watching Top Gun in a hammock with some lemonade.

Now we don’t want to go around telling you what to do and what not to do, but those points all seem pretty irrefutable. So if you hear that baby crying on your doorstep someday, you’re totally welcome to open the door and start down that path. Or you could just turn up your DVD player until it becomes “not your problem.” Your call.

Television is a pretty remarkable technology. We don’t often think about what it really takes to make it happen. There are countless numbers of people who make their living by being part of the expansive chain of processes required to bring TV to you. However, one group rises above all others as the true heroes of the field:

The tiny people that live in your TV.

When’s the last time you thanked them, anyway? Sure, they’re really good at staying in character and pretending not to hear you, but they do. Think of how dedicated they are to that job. Just sitting around, waiting for you to turn on your TV, then quickly doing costume and scene changes as you flip the channels. They spend their whole lives in those cramped boxes, waiting to serve you. And if you have a portable TV? Forget about it! You thought a flatscreen was cramped? Just wait until you’re smushed into something the size of a wallet.

If you’re thinking of getting a portable TV, and would like to make things a little easier for the lilliputians inside it, get yourself the NT-401 Portable Widescreen LCD TV. It’s got a nice, high resolution screen, which also happens to be in widescreen format. Not something you see on too many portable TVs, and the additional elbow room will definitely be appreciated by the miniature actors. It can receive Digital ATSC broadcasts with its telescoping antenna, and can also play media from its SD/MMC slot. You can even let the little people chill in their pajamas by taking advantage of the FM radio! It’s also got a rechargeable Lithium battery, so you won’t have to pay for new ones all the time.

Get yourself a Portable Widescreen LCD TV, and thank the hardest working little guys in the biz.

By now, it should be fairly evident to all but the most die hard Luddites, anti-technologists, and clue-missers that MP3 players aren’t going anywhere. It seems like every week there’s another announcement about some high-tech new media device that can beam your friend’s opinion of his most recent hot dog eating excursion directly into your brain, use satellites to update your proximity to a 15 year old pop crooner’s favorite yoga gym in real time, or any number of other completely frivolous utilities and applications that no one in the history of the universe could have ever possibly asked for.

That’s not to say smartphones, reverse engineered alien music technology, and slowly transforming yourself into a media devouring cyborg aren’t pretty cool and all, but sometimes you just want a dang ol’ regular device that’ll hold a bunch of songs you like, play them without requiring you to post a witty review about the experience, and doesn’t require installment plans or a second mortgage.

That’s where the NX-119 MP3 Player comes in. It’s got everything you’d want in a device that’s supposed to, oh, I don’t know, play music? It has 2GB of space, which means you have lots of space to load up your favorite tunes. Even better, that space is provided by flash memory, which means the player can shake, bump, jostle, and jar without you worrying that the thing is gonna choke and fry itself. This player is user friendly and rechargeable, so you can be sure that maintenance will essentially be a non-issue.

Just because the NX-119 is streamlined and very wallet friendly doesn’t mean it has no features, though. It can receive and play FM radio, it shows track titles and band names for your music on its large screen, and lets you load up pictures, videos, or movies. You can even use it like a digital reminder, thanks to its built-in voice recorder and speaker.

So there you go. If you’re looking for a nice MP3 Player that won’t break the bank and comes with some cool features you’d actually want, you can’t do much better than the NX-119. It may not autonomously transmit your passing desire for cupcakes out into space for future generations of alien archaeologists to ponder, but something tells us you’ll probably overcome that heartbreak by the end of this sentence.

We’ve heard good things about you; that you’re a promising new talent. The Agency is always glad to help an eager cadet meet their potential in service to the Crown. As you can imagine, this career tends to have a high… Well let’s just call it a “high turnover rate.” Let’s see what your chart says here, then. Hmm… Hmm… Excellent. Your test scores are well within the 90th percentile. Your obstacle course times are the best we’ve seen in three semesters. Your firearms and self defense instructors have both written letters of recommendation. It certainly seems that you have everything we’re looking for in a Double-0 Agent.

It’s likely that, by now, you’ve heard tales of the exploits of our most storied agent; 007. While it’s true that he has had many great successes and performed above and beyond the call of duty numerous times, one should know that he isn’t perfect. Sure, he’s foiled the schemes of balding would-be despots and curiously themed lackeys dozens of times, but he leaves a path of destruction in so doing. He can also be a bit… careless, you could call it, with the rather delicate equipment that Q commissions to him. This brings us to you.

Being the newest Double-0 Agent in the field, you will be given a number. As your achievements accrue and the agents above you retire, or are retired, your number will decrease. For now, you will be known as agent 0052. Unfortunately for you, being the lowest on the totem pole means you’re last in line for assignments and gear. Since 007 has once again blown through this year’s entire budgetary allotment for spy gear in the course of his latest outing, Q has decided to assign civilian equipment to all new agents. Now, I know you’ve heard about all of the sexy gadgets you would supposedly be getting upon attainment of Double-0 status, but until we can perform an audit and request more financing for the department, the laser pens, exploding mints, and x-ray contact lenses are going to have to wait. Actually, we won’t be giving out the x-ray contact lenses anymore regardless. 007 racked up another harassment suit.

Oh, come now, don’t look too down. We’ve still found some actually quite impressive pieces of civilian technology to kit you with. For instance, have a look at this; the NT-301 Portable LCD TV. It has a 3.5″ LCD screen, which is bright and large enough for you to make out the coded messages we hide in daytime TV. It receives FM radio transmissions, which is great for when a fellow agent is in the midst of battling a megalomaniacal radio DJ and pirates the signal to request assistance. Or, you know, for listening to music. Either way, the telescoping antenna can pick up those signals loud and clear. Speaking of hearing those signals, you can play them through the built-in speakers, or if you’re on a stealth mission, through the included earphones. Lastly, and this will be of most interest to you and the other agents, do you see that small slot on the unit? You can insert SD or MMC data storage there, allowing us to give you mission parameters, dossiers, training videos, and other classified information to view later.

See? We knew you’d love it. For us, the best part is how inexpensive it is. A few seasons of commissioning these affordable gadgets and we should be able to requisition you a cell phone that unfolds into a machine gun. Anyway, why don’t you go ahead and take the NT-301 with you and get familiar with it.

Oh, one final word, though. Don’t lend it to 007. He breaks everything, and if you lose this, you’re going into the field with nothing but a calculator watch.