JuJuDeals

The following is a list of what we feel are ten compelling reasons that the NPD-702 Portable DVD Player with 7″ LCD Screen is superior to finding an orphaned infant abandoned on your doorstep.

• By current estimates, it costs nearly $200,000 to raise a child from birth to legal adulthood. Conversely, it costs less than $80 to bring a DVD playing bundle of joy into your life.
• Not only will inserting DVDs into an orphan child not result in several hours of movie enjoyment, it will result in you being hounded by Social Services.
• Babies don’t have USB inputs yet, and their speakers are automatically set to “scream loudly with no volume adjust.”
• The NPD-702 comes with a Full Function Remote Control. A baby comes with a fully functioning bowel system without even the remotest amount of control.
• The NPD-702 enjoys a 180 degree swivel screen design. If you repeatedly swivel a baby 180 degrees, well… The less said about that, the better. Babies are not for shaking.
• The DVD player has a slot for SD/MMC media storage, so you can enjoy a wide variety of videos and images, whereas all a baby can do is draw some lame picture that doesn’t even look like anything, if you’re lucky.
• You won’t have to grapple with the complex moral issues involved with lying to a baby about Santa Clause, The Tooth Fairy, or the Easter Bunny when you use the NPD-702. The NPD-702 only cares about showing you movies.
• The NPD-702 has a wide 7″ screen that can be set to Normal or Widescreen viewing modes. The closest thing an orphaned baby has to that is a face which, to be frankly honest, is kind of fat and weird looking.
• You can fold up the highly portable DVD player/LCD screen combo and toss it in a backpack, while there are entire industries built around different ways to lug around an infant. And before you ask, no, you can’t try folding up the baby, that’s a terrible idea and we can’t believe you were thinking it even though it’s not your kid.
• Everyone knows that babies left on doorstops always end up having some ridiculous destiny of ultimate good or evil, and that is just way more drama than anyone wants to sign up for. The NPD-702 is way more laid back, and is all about watching Top Gun in a hammock with some lemonade.

Now we don’t want to go around telling you what to do and what not to do, but those points all seem pretty irrefutable. So if you hear that baby crying on your doorstep someday, you’re totally welcome to open the door and start down that path. Or you could just turn up your DVD player until it becomes “not your problem.” Your call.

It’s not like we enjoy being the bearer of bad news, but the octopus is better than all of us. Sorry. It’s just a simple fact of life. Octopuses (yes that is the right terminology, look it up) have a lot of awesome qualities that put them ahead of the game. For instance:

• Number of arms: Advantage = octopus. They have four times as many as we have, so it stands to reason that they can do anything we can do eight times as fast. No we don’t have any science to back that up. Shush.
• Squishability: Advantage = octopus. An octopus can squeeze through openings of nearly any size. We have trouble squeezing into our “fat pants” after Thanksgiving dinner.
• Problem solving skills: Advantage = octopus. Octopuses are known for escaping secure cages, opening screw-top bottles, hiding, using tools, disguising themselves as other things, and more. We still haven’t solved the Rubik’s cube, and let’s be honest here, neither have you. No, taking it apart and rearranging it doesn’t count, and neither does peeling the stickers off and putting them back on.

We hate to break it to you, but if this were a job interview, you would have just lost to the octopus, hands down (all eight of ‘em). It beat you on number of arms, squishability, and problem solving skills; the three most important factors in any job interview. In the wake of the economic downturn and subsequent ever-presence of The Crunch, you can’t afford to be so vastly outclassed. We know what you’re thinking, now.

“JuJuDeals.com, whatever can we do to stop being so much suckier than the octopus?”

Simple. Emulate the octopus. It is a master of adaptation, so steal one from his book and adapt as well. It uses tools to increase its efficiency, and so should you. Take, for instance, this 8-in-1 combo accessory kit. Not only is it much handier and more efficient than going out and gathering each of those things independently and hoping they all work together, it also has an octopus-friendly number of attachments. It may not give you all the powers of the majestic octopus, but when you’re waiting for an interview in the lobby and you see an octopus with a necktie across from you, you’ll have the confidence of knowing you’re as prepared as you can be. You know his tricks, and you aren’t intimidated.

Octopuses are really good at the stare-down, though. Don’t let him get inside your head.