JuJuDeals

The following is a list of what we feel are ten compelling reasons that the NPD-702 Portable DVD Player with 7″ LCD Screen is superior to finding an orphaned infant abandoned on your doorstep.

• By current estimates, it costs nearly $200,000 to raise a child from birth to legal adulthood. Conversely, it costs less than $80 to bring a DVD playing bundle of joy into your life.
• Not only will inserting DVDs into an orphan child not result in several hours of movie enjoyment, it will result in you being hounded by Social Services.
• Babies don’t have USB inputs yet, and their speakers are automatically set to “scream loudly with no volume adjust.”
• The NPD-702 comes with a Full Function Remote Control. A baby comes with a fully functioning bowel system without even the remotest amount of control.
• The NPD-702 enjoys a 180 degree swivel screen design. If you repeatedly swivel a baby 180 degrees, well… The less said about that, the better. Babies are not for shaking.
• The DVD player has a slot for SD/MMC media storage, so you can enjoy a wide variety of videos and images, whereas all a baby can do is draw some lame picture that doesn’t even look like anything, if you’re lucky.
• You won’t have to grapple with the complex moral issues involved with lying to a baby about Santa Clause, The Tooth Fairy, or the Easter Bunny when you use the NPD-702. The NPD-702 only cares about showing you movies.
• The NPD-702 has a wide 7″ screen that can be set to Normal or Widescreen viewing modes. The closest thing an orphaned baby has to that is a face which, to be frankly honest, is kind of fat and weird looking.
• You can fold up the highly portable DVD player/LCD screen combo and toss it in a backpack, while there are entire industries built around different ways to lug around an infant. And before you ask, no, you can’t try folding up the baby, that’s a terrible idea and we can’t believe you were thinking it even though it’s not your kid.
• Everyone knows that babies left on doorstops always end up having some ridiculous destiny of ultimate good or evil, and that is just way more drama than anyone wants to sign up for. The NPD-702 is way more laid back, and is all about watching Top Gun in a hammock with some lemonade.

Now we don’t want to go around telling you what to do and what not to do, but those points all seem pretty irrefutable. So if you hear that baby crying on your doorstep someday, you’re totally welcome to open the door and start down that path. Or you could just turn up your DVD player until it becomes “not your problem.” Your call.

“That’s right, chum. The NX-684 Touchscreen In-Dash DVD/MP3/CD/USB Player and TV Tuner I’ve just installed in the Batmobile is going to be an enormous help in our never-ending war on the criminal element.”

“And it won’t hurt with the ladies, either, Batman.”

“That it won’t, my young squire, though I think you still have a few years to go before you’ll really need to start dealing with them, aha! In any case, the highly receptive touchscreen means we won’t have to fumble around with the buttons to access the features we want, and the remote control will let even a backseat DJ in on the fun. The TV Tuner will also let us check the local news for breaking emergencies.”

“Well, first off, Batman, does the Batmobile even have a backseat? Also, regarding the girls… I’m 32, Bruce. You can’t keep pretending I’m still a kid. Which reminds me, I’ve really been meaning to talk to you about this costume. It was pretty silly even when I was 12. As it stands, I feel completely ridiculous going outside in this thing. Have you seen the way Joker laughs at me?”

“Robin, Joker laughs at everything. That’s sort of his schtick. You can’t take him seriously, you know that. Now come here, I want to show you how the ID3 Text Function displays track information on the device we’ve just installed.”

“Quit changing the subject! I’m used to Joker laughing at everything, but now when we jump in through the skylight, I see him lean over to his henchmen and snicker. It’s different and you know it! I’m a grown man, Batman. I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to be fighting crime in a red muscle shirt, a yellow half-cape, and green speedos. I don’t even remember how you sold me on these Peter Pan shoes 20 years ago.”

“Oh, come now, son. That uniform isn’t too different from Aquaman’s. He’s been sporting speedos for years!”

“Exactly my point! If people are comparing you to Aquaman, you know you’re doing something wrong. That man’s only friends are fish.”

“Now that’s not fair, Robin. Aquaman has done a lot for-”

“Look, here’s how it’s gonna be, Bruce. I’m having Alfred design me a new uniform, and I’m borrowing the Batmobile tonight. I plan on using the Auxiliary Input Jack on the Touchscreen Player to plug in my MP3 player and get a mood-setting mix going for my date tonight.”

“You have a date!? I didn’t okay this!”

“Bruce! Live in the now! You don’t get to okay my romantic life, I’m not a kid anymore, despite what this costume would indicate. Selena and I are gonna have a night on the town, and you just need to be okay with it.”

“Catwoman!? Chum, you can’t seriously be going on a date with Catwoman! She’ll steal the NX-684 the second that she sees it accepts MP3 CDs, USB, DVDs, SD, and MM cards!”

“Not with its motorized, removable faceplate and LED security lights, she won’t. Besides, we’re leaving the costumes behind tonight. This is just two people going on a regular date. In the Batmobile.”

“Isn’t she a little old for you, Robin?”

“She may not be in the Catwoman costume when I pick her up, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t still a Cougar.”

April, with all its bluster and rain, is (hopefully) behind us. That means we’re firmly in the velvet grip of May, and that means it’s picnic weather. Picnics can serve many a different purpose. Bring some friends and it’s a kickback. Bring your guy or girl and it’s a romantic escape. Bring your kids and it’s just about the most carefree time you can have. Heck, you can even find a nice spot and go on one alone to recharge your batteries and center yourself.

So what should you bring along to maximize your enjoyment? Well, first things first, you must have a basket. This is non-negotiable. If the basket is not present, you are not having a picnic. You are just eating on the ground; some might say like an animal or an uncouth savage. Not us, of course. We make no judgments here at JuJuDeals.com. We love all people. Just keep in mind that everyone but us will probably look at you with utter disdain should you attempt to picnic without a basket.

Next, you’ll need a blanket. For maximum picnic effect, we recommend a red-and-white-plaid pattern. Studies show that a red and white picnic blanket repels ants and flies from your food (except not really). Lay your blanket out, put your basket in the middle, and unfurl the delectable goods. We recommend several of your favorite sandwich varieties, mac & cheese or macaroni salad, chips or pretzels, and a small salad. Soup can be brought in a thermos. Muffins make and cookies are fantastic, portable sweet-tooth satisfiers, and a bottle of lemonade is pretty much the ideal picnic beverage. Napkins, utensils, and dishes are of course indispensable.

The last of the all purpose items you’ll want to bring is some manner of music playing device. With the added benefit of playing DVDs should you want to relax under the blue sky while your food settles, the NX-252 Portable DVD with 7″ LCD Screen makes for an ideal option. You can play music while you eat and hang out, and while you’re relaxing you can pop in your favorite movie.

If you’re going out with friends, bring some chill-out tunes, a few of your gang’s favorite comedies, and some sports equipment. Even if you and your buddies aren’t jocks, there’s infinite fun to be had making up a game with whatever gear you bring. “Okay, we have 4 tennis rackets, 6 croquet wickets, 2 golf balls, and a lacrosse stick. Let the kingly game of OmegaSport begin!”

If *you’re going with the object of your affection, bring some sweet, mellow music that brings back memories or will sound good as the soundtrack for some new ones. Play your significant other’s favorite romantic movie. Pop some champaign to sip as the sun goes down, and don’t forget a camera to take some pictures that will remind you of why you’re together when you’re arguing about garbage removal and dog walking duties.

If you’re bringing sons, daughters, nieces, nephews, godchildren, or neighbor kids, have them bring some music they like, because it’s highly unlikely (or should be, anyway) that you own a Jonas Brothers or High School Musical album. Ask them beforehand what movie or show they’d like to take along, which will hopefully cut down on later cries of “But I didn’t want thaaat movie!” Snag a football, a frisbee, a soccerball, a kite, and all the other stuff you wish your parents would have taken with you on picnics. If its a beach picnic, make sure to carry a bag full of sandcastle building supplies, unless you’re the most heartless jerk on the planet.

*Guy only note: Bring a sweater and a jacket. Your girl is going to get cold, and you will be expected to give her your jacket. That’s why you’re also wearing the sweater, see? Plan ahead.

Unless your answer is “the Batmobile,” “a time machine,” or perhaps ”a severed monkey paw that gives me magic powers,” we’re afraid we’re gonna have to inform you that it probably flat-out sucks compared to what we’re about to show you. Normally we don’t just go “HAY THAR! LOOKIT THIS HERE PRO-DUCT,” but we also don’t normally get to display an item that is like a pure distillation of gadget-lust. What is this gadget we’re referring to?

Why, nothing less than a Touchscreen In-Dash Stereo with TV Tuner, DVD Player, and about a million other features so cool you’d Charlie-horse your own grandma to get one. Let’s do a rundown of this little monster’s powers:

• Play AM/FM radio (with 30 slots to preset pretty much every station worth listening to, and even a few crappy ones left over)
• Play MP3s
• Play CDs (or pretty much anything you could burn onto a CD)
• Play DVDs
• Show TV
• Accept external MP3 players and other media through an AUX-IN jack
• Accept USB devices, SD cards, and MMC cards, which basically makes it a Transformer (the ultimate gadget)
• Display ID3 tags for your music, so you can see who and what is playing
• Activated by completely awesome touchscreen (seriously, so awesome)
• We kid you not, this thing has the power of ESP. Granted, that stands for Electronic Skip Protection, but that’s sort of like the “seeing the future” version of ESP. We think.

Okay, we’re gonna stop ourselves there, cause we could probably wax romantic on this machine all day. Suffice to say, it does everything. Admit it, if you had the Batmobile, you’d put this in it. If you had a time machine, you’d go back in time to get this thing earlier. If you had a magical monkey paw, you’d wish for this thing. It’s just that cool.